The true strength of forgiveness…

Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.’ There is nothing disagreeable in this statement, although I personally feel that it is yet to be understood in its totality by even many of those who agree to it.

I am choosing this to be the topic of today’s blog, because a very interesting conversation happened during one of my coaching sessions, which revolved around the act of forgiveness. The way that talk evolved presented so many thoughts to ponder over, and I was blessed to have experienced such great insights into the whole aspect of forgiveness.

The quote that I used above, has two important words which I feel need to be understood and looked at in a very different manner, for the essence of this statement to be understood rightly. These two words are ‘forgiveness’ and ‘strong’.

Let me first pick the word ‘forgiveness’. Without a doubt as soon as we think of this word, it brings to our mind the letting go of a feeling of anger, hatred, or disappointment, that we were holding against someone. The reasons behind such negative emotions can be our unpleasant experiences with those people, the wrongdoing of others towards us, our trust being broken, etc. All these lead to us having some sort of unserving emotions, or feelings for the people in question. 

What we know on the face of it is that whatever we the name of that negative emotion or feeling, is being directed towards someone else. Yes, it is absolutely true. But another truth that we overlook is that though the target of all this negativity is someone else, it is we ourselves, who are the beholder of the very same negative emotion, before, during and even after we have aimed it at others.

That brings me to think of forgiveness now. And when the anger or hatred, or whatever we may choose to call it, starts from us before being directed outwards, how can forgiveness be there directly and only for others? So, to justify the meaning of the word ’forgiveness’, we must ensure that we first acknowledge forgiving ourselves for holding a grudge before we can even think of forgiving someone else for the wrong that they might have done.

We did no less damage to ourselves, by being angry, or disappointed, or hating, than what others might have inflicted upon us by being wrong towards us. As a matter of fact, our own wrongdoing is much worse because that happens in a zone of unconsciousness, and thus the ill effects also go unnoticed, without any damage control.

Coming to the other word ‘strong’, likewise my own understanding about this is a little different than what is generally understood in the statement above. On the face of it, it seems that to forgive is a symbol of strength, because it takes courage to let go of our resentment or bitterness for someone, due to what we perceive was done by them to us. My perspective on this is that the strength is not because we are able to let go, in fact the strength lies in acknowledging that by we allowed ourselves to host negativity, because of someone else’s actions.

General tendency is to look at we and show ourselves as the messiah of mercy and pardon, by practicing forgiveness. We take pride in letting go and not taking revenge for the wrong done to us. But what we also need to acknowledge, for me what takes real strength is to understand that what we are letting go, is what we once allowed ourselves to hold on to, and get ourselves to get angry about, thus not living our highest version.

Letting go indeed is a potent way of living in peace and harmony, but it’s true magnificence can only be experienced when we combine it with the acknowledgement of having allowed ourselves to get impacted by someone else’s actions to begin with. This strength that we display by the way of this acknowledgement, helps us to make a wise call of being mindful before we allow something alike impact us ever again. And according to me, that is where true strength lies.

My conversation with that client of mine, was an interesting one, and what was even more satisfying is when he told me that he has decided to look at other aspects of his life too and see where all he can live this saying of Mahatma Gandhi, according to his newfound understanding of it.

I am glad that my perspective helped a person look at this with a fresh and enabling outlook, and I hope that something in today’s blog will resonate with you, making you reflect deeper and take whatever is meant for you from it.

Happy to contribute towards a fulfilling life for yourself!

Love, RB.